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ArtIsAQuestionMark
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Name: mercedes
Country: United States
State: Maryland
Metro: Silver Spring
Birthday: 8/30/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: music: the used, incubus, red hot chili peppers, weezer, janis joplin, bouncing souls, taking back sunday, hot hot heat, sublime, fall out boy, something corporate, newyearsday, hawthorne heights, him, hopesfall, ima robot, matchbook romance, caesars, the dresden dolls, eminem, the clash, ok go,rise against, the strokes, the darkness, interpol, jimmy eat world, the white stripes, yeah yeah yeahs, the killers, less than jake, long shot hero, lostprophets, modest mouse, underoarth, nirvana, pennywise, afi, butthole surfers, dropkick murphys, badly drawn boy, black lipstick...yea. i also absolutely live for art. many kinds, mostly drawing though. and i love writing...
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  benzbabesl500
Member Since:
4/30/2005
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| Whoa, so I haven’t written anything in a long, long time. That is mostly because my school blocked Xanga, and I usually wrote my posts during class. But I thought I should try to keep up or at least attempt to post, mostly because it bothers me when I Xanga Stalk and I notice that there are tons of people that just happen to stop submitting entries without any notice. At least they could shut down the site, you know? Well, that’s my reasoning, so here it goes.
I’ve settled with the fact that I am, even though I try to deny it, a total MTV whore. Yes, I admit it. Ha! Put that in your emo-I-listen-to-underground-music-and-wear-different-clothes (that-everyone-else-owns) pipe and smoke it (or refuse it if you are, like, straight edge)!
Oh, I went to a Bright Eyes concert. It was pretty sweet. Conor is adorable. The show was awesome. I loved it.
Uh, Christmas Break was pretty sweet. I went to San Antonio to visit family. Uh, it was the first time that I visited my Grandma’s grave and it was just so weird. I have, like, no emotion in a cemetery. I should, but it just seems like she is not there. But then again, I KNOW she is not there. Anyway, her grave was real nicely done. One of my aunt’s had put a heart of roses around it, which was real cute. I want to look for some chimes though, because there is a tree branch that hangs right above her plot.
Uh, Christmas and New Year’s went over well. We didn’t have enough fireworks though. The tiny bit of pyro in me was disappointed with that. But then this psycho across the street went and shot his gun off, like he does every New Year’s, and I don’t care if it’s condition, what goes up (including bullets) must come down, and I am not too comfortable with me being in it’s possible radius.
Eh, school is no fun, but if anything Winter Formal is coming up and I’m pretty much looking forward to the end of the month for that. Sure, there is tons of tension and stress about groups and going with friends, dinner and limos and what not, but I figure that the actual night of Winter Formal will make up for it. Well, at least that is what I am hoping.
Hmm. So, a few weeks ago my ex-boyfriend called me. I had erased him from my phone book, so I didn’t recognize the number when he called. And when I answered, it was like, “Shit, I just remembered how I know that number,” but at that point, I had already said hello. When he said that it was him, there was a silence that could have lasted a thousand years. I don’t understand how he did not realize that I did not want to talk to him. And then he asked if his call was awkward, and I responded, “Hell, yes, this is awkward.” And he seemed surprised by that answer, which I didn’t understand at all. So we talked uncomfortably for about twenty minutes. He asked a few general questions about my life and I asked a few about his, just to be polite. During the conversation, he mentioned that (honestly, a massive surprise to me) he just came back home from three weeks at a rehab for drug abuse. In the past year, he has been arrested three times, in jail two of those times, then to that correctional facility. That honestly scared me because I had no idea who I was even talking to. It was like I had never met him before and that really startled me. Then, I questioned myself why I was even with such an offensive, like, human. I realized that, back then, I had thought he is just damaged and maybe I could fix him. I thought that he was just, maybe, a misunderstood individual who needed some who was willing to understand and accept him. Good Lord, was I wrong. Psh, the only thing that could fix him was judge, jail, and detox in rehab. That was such a waste of a relationship.
It made me realize how good Dan is to and for me. He is just so much better than anything I could expect or hope for. He’s sweet and considerate and, like, everything that I want. But that is too much that I am not really willing to share.
I was with him on Saturday. For an hour, he coached children in basketball for the Special Olympics. That was so sweet, in my perspective, especially since for my school’s volunteer program, I work with disabled children. I could not get the smile off my face while I watched him teach them how to shoot a basketball. Oh, it was just so sweet (and I’m just such a sap to go on gushing about it).
But then again, it’s things like that that make me realize that there is good in this world. You know, sometimes I get real down on myself when I think about everything bad or wrong in my town, city, state, country, continent, and so on. I am hurt when I watch the news and hear about a rape, kidnapping, or murder that occurs so close to home. It startled me. Even worse, when I hear about international disasters. But then sometimes, there’s just little things like that type of goodness, even if it’s on a biased opinion because Dan is my boyfriend, that make me feel a little bit better about the state of things. Like the M&M’s commercial where Red and Yellow meet Santa Claus and they both say, “It does exist!” Haha, I promise that made sense in my mind.
Okay, so it bothers me when you expect people to be one way, mostly because that is how you remember them. “Last time I check, you weren’t fake and you didn’t constantly disappoint me. Comprende?” But I guess it’s a waste of time to just hang onto the past comparing and hoping it is the same as the present. Also, I feel as though I am losing certain friends, and it’s like I am forfeiting them to another person. And it just hurts to kind of think that you are replaceable. Eh, whatever, if they don’t want you, someone else will want you that much more… and I can come to terms with that.
Ok, bye, loves | | |
| sometimes, i question whether the meaning of friendship. like, does it mean anything to anyone anymore. there had to have been a time when people valued SOMETHING. does friendship mean nothing to anyone. sometimes i just want to yell at my friends and be like, hey, i want to chill with my enemies right now, cuz at least if they fuck something over, i wont be hurt the way my "friends" hurt me. just, if i tell you something in confidence, that means that you fucking keep your mouth shut, like, the same as i would fucking do for you. and even besides that, make a conscience decision where you ask yourself if i would probably want people to know that i said that. and if you think that i wouldnt have a problem with them knowing--which, chances are, i probably would (because i told YOU, not that person; if i wanted them to know, then i would fucking tell them). just, fuck. i'm so pissed off, like, some of my friends aren't friends at all. they're friends by default. just cuz i can lend you fucking money any time you need it, or cuz i let you use my phone, or if i give you a ride, that doesn't mean that i can trust you with my secrets, or my emotions. or fucking anything.
god, things were so chill today, all since last night. but all within, like, five minutes, my intensity level has sky-rocketed. and it's killing me that something like THIS could set me off. and it's not that's it's insignifigant cuz i don't think it is insignifigant in any way. the thing that botehrs me is that this shouldn't be happening at all. i should be able to know that if i were going to, like, walk in front of a car, i've got friends that would pull be back on the sidewalk. and i know that seems extreme, but that's just how i am. i would give so much for so many of my friends that it doesn't even seem care in the least about me. and that hurts and that angers me. and people ask why i feel like no one likes me or why i feel unloved or whatever, whenever i get in moods like that. it's cuz of things like this that honestly do affect me. i'm NOT calloused. i'm hurt. there's a difference. i don't want to risk something happening to me if it's happened before.
i mean, i don't have a best friend for a reason. i kinda don't want one. i don't want someone to have the title and think that they can use it against me. like, i'm wary when i hear that. if someone asks me who my best friend is, i can't answer. i mean, the most realistic thing to me was recently when rothsteing asked me if dan was my, "bff boyfriend." it's like, i just know anything i tell him, he won't tell anyone else. and i know that anything that i could risk is still safe with him. and that's not even based solely on our relationship. nonetheless, he could still protect me like that. before we even started going together or whatever, i could still tell him things i wouldn't tell others.
ew...so monday, we had no school. i watched the greastest game ever played with my little brother. and i taught him, like, everything i know about golf--which isn't that much, but still, it was fun. i like watching kiddie movies with him. cuz that makes him happy that he can be with me and i'm not like, angry or frustrated with him just cuz my temper is so short. and it makes me happy because i know he won't mock that i actually WANT to watch a little kid movie cuz he is a little kid. it's cool.
on tuesday...was school. i don't particularly remember much about tuesday for some unknown reason or another.
wednesday, we had psats. it wasnt that bad, except that it was freezing in the room i tested in. also, i didnt have one of my shoes cuz i had to give one to mr. galespie so i could borrow a calculator which i totally didnt even need. also, i fell asleep during three of the five sections, so consequently, i didnt finish those three. afterwards, i went to unos in bethesda with kate, anna, and georgie. we met up with ana and rachel came later and so did fitz. then fitz and i went to the tennis store so he could get a head tie thing. he's so cool. we talked like, the whole time cuz we haven't chilled in so long so we were just catching up and what not.
then, thursday, i had my last day of double time testing. more weird tests. nothing way too bad. uh, about three hours of drawing and putting puzzles together among other tests of which i did not see the point. uh, then afterwards, i talked to the psychologists about menial things for about 45 minutes. we talked about the most random things, and good lord, i realized how hard it is for me to keep a constant flow of a conversation for way too long.
uh, friday, school. hmm, then i saw dan in the afternoon for a few hours. we saw the corse bride in downtown silver spring which was all fun, as always. i don't think that was his preferably type of movie. it was a little kooky, but i liked it. then afterwards, we just walked, down the sidewalks and back. then we chilled near a bench...which isn't as weird as it sounds. i had fun, of course. he's always awesome... mmhmm. o then after that, my dad picked me up and we went to kinkos until a little past midnight.
uh, ok, i think i'm done for now. | | |
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How You Are In Love
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You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
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that's maybe a little too true.
so, i just got back from hanging out with dan in downtown silver spring. it was pretty sweet, as usual. we kinda tried to relate sports to art...i think we both lost in that. no complaints. hmm, i should see him more often.
uh, wednesday sucked majorly...up until about 5. i went to see dan's soccer game. the metro ride was a bitch. i had called my mom to talk about my awful day and i started crying just cuz i was so distraught and confused about, just, like, things i'm totally not up to share. but it was enough to send me off. and i was still in my uniform and then i fell asleep after i had my good cry. i woke up and people were, like, --><--, this close to me. not cool. people were staring at me cuz i had the, like, dried tears on my cheeks and i was spraled across two seats and i was not going to move. whatever. so then i called casey and i talked my day out. then these two women were sitting near me and starting talking about what i had been saying talking about, "private school this, and girls and drama that, and boys aren't worth it this." good god, i could hear them. it was kinda hard to evesdrop and carry on my convo at the same time. anyway, i got to the abbey and the game was practically over, but it's all good. i ate dinner at dan's after that.
uh, so then, thursday, no school. thank goodness. double time testing. the woman that tested me was kooky, man. and the had this weird retainer which gave her a MASSIVE lisp. maybe the most severe that i've ever heard. it was real hard to concentrate. i'm kinda concernede about how i did. i was real nervous, for reasons i can't even explain now. she tested my spelling, in which, i believe, i performed unimpressively. other random tests...then i chilled at home.
friday, school, denim day. girls in pink...uh, the day was alright. i got my first english paper back. i had to write a two page response or idea or impression from a george orwell qoute: "but the thing i saw in your face no power can disinherit: no bomb that ever burst shatters the crystal spirit." no, i did not work very hard on it, to say the least. in fact, i spent only about twenty minutes writing it. i put little thought in to it. yet, when i got my paper back, i was CRUSHED with the grade. 87%, i'm blown. i understand that the average was a middle C, like, a 75%, but none the less, i am disappointed in myself. sundman, my teacher, could tell. she told me after everyone had left that i shouldn't be discouraged. that's bullshit cuz i've never gotten that low on an english paper--only once, an 86%, that i turned in a week late...but that's understandable. honestly, i'm still disappointed with my grade. i don't want to hear from my teacher that i will be a great writer by choice and will. i don't want to hear that i had an impressive idea, but that i should not write the way i talk, because i'm more expressive with my face and gestures because i cannot convey that in a paper...whatever. i'm still bummed.
saturday, a house warming party. hmm, my parents, my brother, and myself were the only people there that were not indian. and i've got nothing against that. but everyone kept talking in their native tongue and i couldn't understand a thing...grr. nonetheless, it was surprisingly fun. also, i've now got a passion for coconut, cuz no one could eat fruit that was offered to their god, except us cuz we aren't of the same relgion. so yummy, yummy coconut. and lots of great other food. and, my goodness. the women all looked so beautiful. their dresses and jewelry were gorgeous.
and after that, i went to tyson's corner to dress shop for homecoming.
ok, i'm done for now. | | |
| on saturday, i went to bethesda with dan, jan and ryan, vince and christina. it was a pretty sweet evening...we went to starbucks. then dan and i saw the funniest movie ever, even though it was really scary!! the movie's called a history of violence. whoa, everyone got murdered!!! and that's all that matters!!! this guy went psycho ever, like, three minutes and killed people with his bare hands. and then at one point, the son was, like, "grr, don't make fun of me." to some bully guy and then the son whooped him!!! he broke his nose, left him in the hospital. it was soo weird, especially considering we didn't know what we were watching. and then at one point, the main guy and the wife got in a fight cuz she was mad that he was a killer with, like, a split personality, so she tried to walk away from him. then they had sex in the stair well, but it was moreso that he kinda raped her cuz she was angry and pissed and walked away as soon as he was done... weird ending though, i think it was kinda symbolic...
eww, in every class that i had today i had a quiz or a test. and that sucked in itself.
ew, i'm behind on work and it's stressing me out. like, once you fall behind, there's nearly no way of catching up.
omg, three day weekend coming up... i'm excited.
oo, also, i'm being tested for double time (which kinda includes, like, add, adhd, reading disabilities, dyslexia, etc.) i missed school last thursday and i miss school this thursday, too. this woman ran all these weird tests where i had to, like, find patterns or create patterns. and then there was a survey that i had to fill out about my tendencies and rituals and what not... it was kinda weird. whatever, i miss school for it, so it's all good, no complaints.
i don’t like how time seems to seperate friends. it is something we cannot avoid and i don’t like it. i don’t like coming back to old friends and having them bitch me out because of how i acted or why they’re pissed and that i couldn’t help or that i could and i didn’t. i don’t like that friends blame me for the way time has changed both of us. i am not solely at fault, so don’t make it seem that way. it’s a quick way to piss me off. and then, chances are i’ll get frustrated and annoyed and just stop listening to the person.
ahh, but yea, things are chill right now, so it's all good.
omg, shopping for dresses for ABBEY HOMECOMING WITH DAN and NORTHWOOD HOMECOMING WITH JANICE!!! | | |
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i've decided to, like, dedicate this entry to dan cuz we've been together for (officially) seven months and i don't mention him enough. he's awesome and, like, amazing, and way patient with me and i don't know why. but when i'm on edge, he tries to calm me down and succeeds. and i know i talk about plenty of other people way more than i talk about him, but he deserves his credit. he makes it so that i'm not home every friday or saturday doing homework. and he's way way cool, too.
(way to go, mercedes, that's subtle!)
omg, ellen's awesome party was on saturday. it was pretty sweet. i went with dan, jan, and vince. i saw way too many awesome people there, aka EVERYBODY. frickin' everyone looked soo pretty. omg, so, i wore timmy's (-maybe-) pink tie cuz i decided it looked better on me and i had aviators for a portion, til frickin' joe took them. and a police hat, til vince let ryan wear it, and a plastic princess crown, til ted (-maybe-) took it. omg and dan wore a button down shirt!! sweet...omg, rachel wessler is my god. ashleigh frickin' krudys looked hawt hawt--well, duh! p.s. that dress was the shit (cuz i was there when she bought it). and rothstein was adorable and she got her ghetto groove on. and emanuela thought i tried to ditch her, which i totally didn't. amanda and terrence [adorable]. anna..*cough* was hot as always, yea! she even raped me behind a chair! jan...is bald. thus, her has more hair in his goatee than on his head (the top head, i don't know about the bottom head--minds out the gutters, people). alyssa, my sexican mexican. wow, there were totally so many people there. um, everyone looked soo pretty, and i decided that i have an obsession with kate's ass...vince, supposedly drunk all over the bed...like, caressing my feet (maybe a bit mildly awkward). and renee decided she was the bathroom. and that damn girl in the polka-dot dress that was like, spazming all over the frickin' place. erica's shoes were my life. shins splits while dancing with anna and wessler=NOT good. dan was totally hyper the entire night ("hey! wait til you see my dick!"--wow, he's smooth). honestly, it was soo much fun. i think i will adopt colin as my, like, charity cause. too many highlights!!
i wonder who: "and when he get on, he'll leave yo ass for a white girl"
sunday...did i do anything?? o yea, i left my cell at dan's, which is killing me...i'm addicted to that phone, so i am clueless to how i forgot it. good god! it's like hurting me. all through my classes today, i'd start riffling through my bags, searching for my phone, as i usually do when i am bored, so i can check the time or text someone among other things, and then in some painful epiphany, i realized "fuck! i don't have it!" oy--it hurts.
highlight of the past, like, ten minutes: talking to alyssa and realizing that, while checking renee's webshots, there is def a thumbnail of dan and me and the caption says, "dave and mercedes". so after you click the thumbnail, it def shows a pic of mandi and ashleigh. hey, renee, since when did two cute little white girls look like six ft three dan and mexican me? haha, i *heart* you...alyssa, pst: have i told you lately that i love you? not since ten minutes ago. *muah*
i completely miss ashleigh, alyssa, and rothstein (that i have no classes with) and wessler (well, obviously we don't have any classes considering she transfered, but none the less i still miss her.
it pisses me off when random guys are like, "yo, girl, i ain't seen you in a long ass time. lemmi get a pic of you." no, i will not send you a picture of me, and if, on the very rare occassion, i am not totally creeped out by you and i decide that i will send you a picture of me, do not go on about how you expected a naked one! eww...
the paragraph below is about ryan, a marine, that is training for iraq in january...
ahh, omg, i had another nightmare about ryan while i slept on the car ride home from school. ok, so he's in the marines right now, it's been almost a year now. and he'll be going over to iraq in january. i'm so scared for him. i've been, like, completely terrified since he enrolled. and all his reasons make sense in his mind, and yea, they even make sense to me, but maybe i'm just feeling selfish for like, not wanting to accept decisions. i know he wants life experience, but i think he could gain that in so many more ways than fighting in the war. and i just feel so confused. cuz he tells me that he hates the war and many of his peers, that will soon be going to iraq, if they have not already gone to iraq, also hate the war, so i keep questioning why they are risking themselves on it? it just scares me to know that this country's bravest individuals are being wasted away. it just doesn't seemed right to me. maybe my morals don't make sense, but i can't stand to think that there are thousands of other people that are in the same position that ryan is in. i'm so scared for him. i swear, when i saw him, for the first and only time this entire summer, after i hugged him, i told him that i'd meet up with him momentarily, and while i was in the kitchen getting lunch, i nearly started to cry, just cuz i was so dreadfully releaved. good god, i worry so much for him. i mean, we just chilled that whole day together and i just thought, "how many more days could we have had like this if you weren't a marine?" afterwards i just thought of all the times we've shared over the years. i mean, he was one of my first c.i.t.s when i was first a camper at the age of five. he was one of my counselors and again, when i was a c.i.t., he was still there, just like me. i just think of how many times i haven't gotten in trouble cuz he's covered my ass. like, once, i kicked a soccer ball into a floor length panel of mirror and it broke...and he covered the cost off his own pay check. he's been through so much, he was in new york on september 11, 2001, and he had friends that passed away and now he's going to war! good lord, his courage and will startle me. he doesn't even seem that brave...heh. all the time i've know him, i've underestimated him. at least, now i'm realizing all the credit he deserves, but i'm afriad it may be too little, too late.
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